Over The Bar

Manchester City manager Mark Hughes has returned from his summer holiday to discover that the Eastlands club have redoubled their efforts to secure a new boss.

With Samuel Eto’o turning down the opportunity to become England’s highest-paid player, City officials have decided that they need a high profile managerial appointment to pursue their dream of joining Europe’s elite.

Over The Bar can exclusively reveal that the man the Abu Dhabi Group have selected to replace Mark Hughes as the team’s boss is The Boss, Bruce Springsteen.

With his profile skyrocketing after a triumphant Glastonbury set, Manchester City Chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak mused, “It makes perfect sense to sign The Boss when he is at the peak of his career. We did consider discussing things with him around the time of the Ghost of Tom Joad album but his popularity was as depressingly low as the tune free songs on the album”.

The commercially savvy Abu Dhabi Group see this appointment as a ‘new and exciting revenue stream’, with Manchester City shirts being offered for sale at all of Springsteen’s future gigs.

When asked if Springsteen was perhaps a little old to manage a top-flight professional football team, City sources replied, “Hey, Hey, My, My, we were gonna sign Neil Young but he’s so old he’ll probably die”.

Donald Wassnot Latest News, The Premiership

Word from the bush is that Manchester United are set to play a benevolent match in memory of the late Rolf Harris, with most of the proceeds going to his widow.

Over The Bar understands that the news that Qantas has withheld payment of the settlement due to Harris’s widow touched a chord with Sir Alex Ferguson, who has long been a campaigner against injustice. The benevolent match, to be played in pre-season, will be against an all-star World XI.

Rolf Harris was born in Bassendean, a suburb of Perth, Western Australia - an area which has more Manchester United fans per square mile than Manchester - and, although he was never known to have attended a game, his status as a fan has never been doubted.

Although he has been dead for over three years, the Australian singer continues to make television appearances, the most recent of which being in an advertisement for Churchill Home Insurance, in which an electronically created CGI version of Rolf Harris, using the voice of an actor, was used.

Qantas, one of the world’s premier airlines, has not suffered an accident or fatality on any of its planes since 1951.

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Fianula McGee The Premiership, World Football

Marks and Spencer were last night facing a monster $100 million legal claim by Manchester United for ‘grossly negligent socks’. The ‘exemplary action’, said United lawyers, stemmed from an incident at approximately 9a.m. yesterday morning as winger Cristiano Ronaldo slid his right foot into a brown cotton/silk mix garment from the store’s Bon Pied range.

As his big toe went clean through the end of the sock, the World Footballer of the Year allegedly burst into tears and cried: “That’s it, I’m leaving Manchester!” The offending hosiery being symbolic of the utter dreadfulness and privation of his existence, Ronaldo instructed his Portuguese butler to call his agent immediately.

“Get me Perez,” he barked at the agent into his mobile whilst driving to United’s Carrington training ground. “Tell him I will take Madrid.”

Ronaldo’s mood brightened however as he drove down the mile-long driveway into the complex – his route lined with Portuguese Flags being eagerly waved by groundsmen and tea ladies etc – and by the time his Ferrari pulled into the car park he had resolved to stay.

Alas, as he emerged from his car the brass band struck up the wrong tempo on the Portuguese national anthem. Ronaldo swept into the building in a rage smashing his elbow into the face of a young autograph hunter who had got in his way.

“Arrest him!” cried an official, as the 11 year-old was hauled off into a waiting Black Maria.

Ronaldo kicked open the door to the manager’s office. “Is the wrong speed again!” he shrieked, “is the end! I’m a outta here.”

“But look, laddie,” said Ferguson. “Look ootside, they’ve nearly finished it.”

Looming above them they could see workmen polishing the 40ft-high solid-gold statue of the winger that the club had recently commissioned. Kneeling beneath the Portuguese (gazing up at him) were bronze representations of Duncan Edwards and Bobby Charlton.

“Do you like it Chrissy, lad?” beseeched Fergie.

“Issa ok,” came the reply. “You not forget something?” Ronaldo added.

“Ok,” said, Fergie (unzipping Ronaldo’s trousers in preparation for his morning handjob). “Let’s get it over with.”

“Ugh,” snorted Ronaldo moments later.

“Will ye no stay, laddie?” implored Ferguson.

“Ok, maybe,” said Ronaldo. “Now clean that up.”

Entering the changing-room Ronaldo’s teammates formed themselves into the customary ‘guard-of-honour’ that the manager had ordered. It was Paul Scholes’s turn for the ‘morning eulogy’. He took the crumpled piece of paper out of his jockstrap.

“Every d-day,” he stammered, “I th-thank God I was able to finish my career playing alongside the greatest footballer ever (even if I do sometimes fail to properly weight my passes to him, making it look like he’s mis-controlled it).”

Ronaldo’s chest puffed – maybe he could tolerate these inferior players another year or so – but suddenly, pulling off his left shoe… he saw it! Yet another stubby Iberian digit had rent the cotton/silk mix. Ronaldo was plunged into abject despair.

“Sock it tee ‘em, Ronny,” sniggered Darren Fletcher, in a lame attempt at a quip (before looking quickly at the floor).

Fletcher is currently discussing terms with Sunderland.

Emery Painter Latest News, The Premiership

Tottenham Hotspur captain Ledley King has spoken out over the MP expenses scandal currently enveloping Westminster.

At a regulation press conference where King was asked by local journalists about his team’s chances of defeating Manchester City this weekend, King shocked assembled hacks by instead venting his spleen about the excesses of MPs.

King raged, “I’m a rich guy and I’ve got nothing to lose. I earn £80,000 a week, these MPs are nothing in their 60 grand a year jobs… I could make them lose their jobs.”

According to Rudy Schwartz from the Tottenham, Wood Green and Edmonton Journal, “The press conference had been going to plan with King telling the audience that he was ‘looking forward to testing himself against Robinho’ and ‘hoping to take all three points’.”

“But when Jackson Kendrick from the Haringey Independent asked how they would cope with the threat Stephen Ireland can pose from midfield,” Schwartz continued, “King lost it.”

A statement on the club website from Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp said it was ‘a press conference that went too far’ and that King had ‘acted out of character’.

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Sir Alex Ferguson yesterday comforted a young fan who had been having nightmares.

The United boss reassured the alarmed child that, were the Reds to sign French ace Frank Ribery and subsequently he and Carlos Tevez were to challenge for the same header, they would not stick together, as their skin only looks like that.

The boy was part of a group of underprivileged African children who had won the chance to visit Old Trafford as part of a Nike contest.

“Don’t worry, laddie,” Ferguson had said, patting the boy on the head. As he did so, the olive he was about to introduce to his dentures waggled free of its cocktail stick.

The seven-year-old Ugandan, Umbebe, trapped the olive on his heel, flipped it on to the back of his neck let it roll along the length of his arms and, launching himself off the ground in a flying rabona, volleyed the anchovy-stuffed fruit back into the astonished gaping cakehole of the Glaswegian knight.

Exactly 54 minutes later in the boy’s home village of Nkwano, excited residents gathered round as a helicopter descended from the skies. Several black-clad men in mirrored, aviator-style sunglasses emerged.

“They didn’t say anything,” said Epakmo, a village elder. “It was most strange. They just walked around, took a few photos, left some bags of sports goods and climbed back into the chopper.”

Meanwhile back at Old Trafford Umbebe’s father, Djabu, on returning from the toilet, couldn’t locate his son. He was told ‘not to worry’, that the boy had just ‘gone for a kickabout with Scholesy’ and would be back soon. Djabu was invited into a car and told Sir Alex had insisted he be given a guided tour of the city.

The car however, only travelled as far as a nearby Mercedes showroom. Did he like ‘the silver one or the black one?’ his companion had asked, pointing at the new S Class.

“But sir, I only have four goats,” Djabu had replied.

“They’re on special offer this month, came the reply. “Two goats and one as a downpayment.”

“In that case, sir,” said a delighted Djabu, “You have a deal!”

Back at Old Trafford, Umbebe, standing in front of a 30ft high Nike banner that had mysteriously appeared, blinked rapidly as the flashbulbs popped.

“Thank you very much, Mr Gill,” he said to his companion, “I am so very happy to be giving my mother this…

“Prada handbag.”

“Prada handbag, sir. She can carry Cassava from market and my baby sister Pekoo sleep in nighttime.”

Meanwhile in Bestie’s Bar beneath the Stretford Stand, Djabu was itchy with excitement:

“Real Sir Bobby Charlton?” he asked yet again. “My Grandfather tell me many things about him. He is one of the fourteen Gods of my tribe.”

Assured that yes, he would be required to shake hands, Dajbu expressed concern that he would first have to wash the ink from his index-finger.

Frank Ribery is 26.

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Emery Painter Latest News, The Premiership, World Football alex ferguson, frank ribery, manchester united

John Carew today hit out at ‘wholly unfounded press gossip’ causing chaos and distress in his private life.

Speaking angrily at a press conference at Villa Park, Carew lambasted a recent press photograph showing him blowing his nose, while shaking hands with a group of men in lab coats.

“Journalists just don’t want facts to get in the way of a good headline,” the Norwegian hitman complained. “I have not ever invented a cure for the common cold, and if I did I would not go around shaking hands with men in lab coats to celebrate.”

Holding up the paper angrily, and jabbing the ‘John Achoo!’ headline angrily with a finger, Carew added, “And if I did start shaking hands with a group of men in white lab coats, I would not blow my nose at the same time.”

Banging his fist on the table and knocking over his microphone, Carew continued, “It’s simply some journalist’s been out on the piss, thought of the headline ‘John Achoo!’, and figured what the hell, what’s Carew gonna do about it? So, they print a picture of me in my Villa kit blowing my nose, and then in the corner they have a picture of this microbe, and it says: “Amazingly for wayward Carew, strikerate is 100%”.

“It’s crazy. It’s not even as if in the picture my cold has been cured.”

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Over The Bar can exclusively reveal that Chelsea striker Didier Drogba had to be talked down by his colourist last night as he reacted furiously to the sight of Christina Ricci’s new bangs look.

The Ivorian turf lover:

SCREAMED: “Those full-on, piecey bangs look like she did it herself with a pair of child-safe scissors!”

ROARED: “She’d look much better with a side-swept bang, or a parted fringe with layers to blend in with the rest of her hair!”

ADDED: “It’s like she’s got an oily black jellyfish on her head, are you watching this? It’s a disgrace. It’s a fucking disgrace!”

The sexy-but-slightly-scary former child star has dis-TRESSED the African goal machine previously – he remained in his room, refusing food, for two days after seeing pictures of her appearance at the 2008 Tribeca festival, where she sported long bangs and relaxed demi-wave curls in strawberry blonde.

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St Alan Shearer yesterday spaketh of famine and pestilence in Jarrowsalem.

“Yea,” quoth St Alan, before a throng at the Angel Of The North.

“Hear me, for I am St Alan Shearer, a simple son of a sheet metal worker. I have never claimed to have any magic wand nor did I ever say I was a miracle worker – and, frankly, I don’t think anyone could point to anything I’ve done these last forty days and forty nights that doth disprove these notions.”

And he did walk in the wilderness for the rest of the day and talk much with Iain Dowie the Baptist, and then he did return to the Temple of St James and he did smite the barton and cast him out for he was much displeased.

And the people of Jarrowsalem did say: “Shearo! Shearo! Shearo! Do that thing you used to do when you scored a goal, Lord.”

And he did take no bread and convert it into no players.

And he did not do that thing that he used to do when he scored a goal.

Danny Hedges Latest News, The Premiership

Taking advantage of his recent suspension from Newcastle Football Club, Joey Barton was spotted this morning at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London.

After learning of his suspension by Toon boss Alan Shearer, 26-year-old Barton quickly traveled to one of the capital’s leading cultural landmarks to view an exhibition entitled Baroque 1620-1800: Style in the Age of Magnificence.

Museum staff said that Barton had been standing outside the museum waiting for the doors to open, clutching a hardback copy of The Baroque: Architecture, Sculpture, Painting by Rolf Toman under his arm.

“He was standing outside patiently when I arrived at 8:15am,” Caroline Cheet, exhibition curator told us, “He must be a huge fan of Baroque art.”

It’s understood that Barton developed a passion for Baroque while serving a six month prison sentence in 2008, and became especially fond of the work of Gianlorenzo Bernini and Francesco Borromini.

Explaining his decision to attend the exhibition, Barton, smartly dressed in a navy two-button Gieves & Hawkes suit, told Over The Bar, “Baroque was the first style to have a significant worldwide impact. I’ve long wondered at such virtuoso, allegorical objects.”

Gesturing towards a gilded Mexican altarpiece, Barton remarked, “Such magnificence and splendour. Rarely does one see such dynamism and drama juxtaposed with such complexity and grandeur.”

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Middlesbrough’s relegation woes have deepened this week after respected football journal Heat revealed that swine flu could have infiltrated the club.

The story, published on Heat’s website, claimed that Big Brother star Chanelle Hayes, who is dating Middlesbrough midfielder Matthew Bates, has recently returned from a holiday in Mexico.

After reading Heat’s website, Over The Bar’s resident medical expert Dr Rocque Ocque can exclusively reveal his unimpeachable medical opinion.

Speaking from as far away from Mexico as possible, the good doctor told us, “If Chanelle has eaten a single pork chimichanga or ham fajita, she could potentially have pig flu. There is a chance that Matthew Bates, especially if he flashes his genitals as much as he used to, could have passed it onto the whole squad.”

“Although, given his form,” Dr Ocque added, “it’s unlikely he’d pass it accurately anyway.”

Meanwhile, Heat’s lifestyle editor Elmer Padgett told us, “Chanelle has certainly got the jump on her fellow WAGs. Swine flu is now the hottest accessory around.”

The FA, meanwhile, have confirmed that they will not sanction the deduction of three points from Middlesbrough if the club repeat their action of the 1996-97 season, when they failed to field a team at Blackburn Rovers.

With the club looking increasingly likely to be relegated anyway, the FA are instead likely to place the club in quarantine until 2012.

Donald Wassnot Latest News, The Premiership chanelle hayes, matthew bates, middlesbrough, swine flu